What an NFL season it has been! There has been so much talk about league-wide parity in recent years; I almost began to believe the hype myself. Although, as it stands, four of last year’s AFC playoff teams (Patriots, Jets, Ravens, and Colts) are in line for berths this year; the Chargers, who are a game behind seem to destined to catch the Chiefs; the best-run franchise in the league (the Steelers) who only on a fluke didn’t make the playoffs last year are the “newcomer.”
In the NFC, the Eagles and the Saints will make repeat runs into January, but that doesn’t mean those who will make it are surprises, largely. Either the Giants or the Packers will be in; the Packers were a wild card last year, and the Giants started strong until their incredible choke job last season. The Falcons made the playoffs in 2008, and were 9-7 last year, so nobody should be shocked they are Saints 2.0 this season, and the NFC West, well...
What has been so “surprising” for many is that so many of last year’s playoff teams have fallen apart in such ridiculously predictable ways. To anyone who thought last year’s Bengals division title was anything other than a one-year fluke clearly wasn’t paying attention to how they ended last season, this past offseason, or their history of being the worst run franchise not in the San Francisco Bay Area. The Cowboys succumbed to the pressure of being the Cowboys, and will be back next year whether their coach will be Jason Garrett or not. The Vikings sold their soul when they went after Brett Sexting; it was inevitable the price would be paid this season, with Brad Childress being fired, “The Gunslinger’s” streak coming to an end, and the unscheduled implosion of the Metrodome. (I cannot wait to see which team bolts west first: the Vikings or the Jaguars, for the greener pastures of Hollywood, like fresh-faced eighteen year old blondes, hopeful of the future, not realizing there was a reason football didn’t last in the City of Angels the first two times.)
Onto this week’s games:
If there is anybody picking the PANTHERS over the STEELERS, I would be curious to know why. The Steelers should run over Carolina at home like Big Ben should have last week against the Paper Planes when they handed it over on a silver platter. If they don’t, they will prove to everyone they aren’t the team we all assume they are, and they will be easy pickings in the playoffs. Jimmy Clausen has performed admirably in Charlotte, all things considered, and if he wants a job next season (if there is a next season,) he better bring it Thursday night. He might, but it won’t matter.
On Christmas night, the COWBOYS will holiday in the desert and trounce the CARDINALS who, despondent their 4-10 record just keeps them out of the NFC West playoff picture, will play for no other reason than to keep Larry “Predator” Fitzgerald from killing them with his built in sword and mini-nuke for what they have done to his popularity and productivity.
The New York PAPER PLANES/FOOT FETISHISTS/GLASS-JAW SMACKTALKERS/JETS proved they aren’t only incompetent on Sunday, but also exceptionally lucky. With the NFC North locked up, the BEARS won’t come out with the fire they should, and will be another team who will have them on the ropes, only to find out the Jets somehow snuck out of the ring like the Honky Tonk Man with Intercontinental Title in hand (aka a win,) wondering precisely how this team beat them. Just imagine Lovie Smith yelling after the game, “The Jets are who we thought they were! And we let them off the hook!” (Still my favorite rant I’ve ever seen, considering I saw it live when he said it, and I was thinking precisely the same thing during the Bears last jaunt to the playoffs with Rex “Yes really, that is my name!” Grossman.)
I would love to think the BILLS have a shot at upsetting the PATRIOTS, allowing the Jets hope to come away with the division title, but considering the New England Patriots are the NFL’s best team and the Bills are quarterbacked by Ryan “At least I’m smarter than everyone in the league besides Bill Belichick” Fitzpatrick, and coached by a twice washed-out coach who will be looking for new digs in 2012 in Chan Gailey, I suppose all I can actually do is pick the Pats again and ask Santa really, really nice for a gift.
The CHIEFS continue to impress me; head coach Todd Haley, quarterback Matt Cassel and running back Thomas Jones are a great core and have a serviceable cast around them; they have become the Midwest Patriots, which was precisely what they were attempting to do. A win against the TITANS wouldn’t win the division, but it would certainly help. The Titans will keep it close, because I’m not sure the Chiefs have won anything but close games, but Kansas City will win it.
I know everyone gets worked up when the RAVENS come into Cleveland once a year and play the BROWNS. But just like when LeBron James and the Heat came in to play the Cavaliers a few weeks ago, expect the Cleveland team to lie down and take it while their former lover who broke their heart comes back into town to do it again. On the bright side Cleveland fan, at least you have a great pitching core of C.C. Sabathia and Cliff Lee…oh wait…at least Eric Mangini has only one more game after this of being your coach until the Mike Holmgren era really begins in 2011.
The CHARGERS should have no trouble against the BENGALS, and if they do, it is only because Carson Palmer does the correct thing, and stops tossing the football to Team Obliterator and Ochocinco, and instead hands it off to Cedric Benson. What’s that? That won’t happen, you say. Why not? Oh, because their defense sucks and puts them in holes they can’t climb out of so they are forced to chuck it around like a pick-up game in the park. What’s that? They are playing a Chargers team that is on fire and throws it around better than you do. Good luck, Cincinnasty, maybe the Reds spring training will start early. What’s that? You think they are going to be good next year, too? Okay, you believe that if you want. Before you do, let me ask you this: how long has it been since the Reds made the playoffs in back-to-back years? If you said, “When the Prince Valiant hairstyle was in,” I will give you only partial credit, because though Pete Rose rocked it better than the Prince himself, it was never in style.
The BUCCANEERS think they have something to play for on Sunday, though they really don’t. They are the seventh-best team in the NFC, no matter what their head coach Raheem Morris may think. And when one of the six playoff spots will be given to the winner of the WAC, I mean the NFC West, of which their opponent the SEAHAWKS happen to be tied for the lead in, they better start working on plans for next year (if there is a season next year.) I’m picking the Seattle Seachickens for no other reason than I am still desperately hoping for an 8-8 NFC West winner, so the NFL doesn’t overreact and modify their playoff structure that needs no tweaking, one aberration of a year be damned.
Mike Singletary suffers from Scott Stapp Syndrome, I think. SSS, as it is known, makes the sufferer believe he is Jesus, so no matter what he does it is alright, even though what he does is God-awful, especially considering their horrendous results are done in God’s name. Thank the Lord I haven’t heard anything from Creed in almost ten years. I wish the same could be said for the 49ERS, for while they haven’t done anything good in almost ten years, stuck in Reno, I see far too many of their games and know far too much about this rotten team. Perhaps when the Niners get new ownership, a new coach, a new starting quarterback, a new stadium in a new city, they will be relevant again. At least they switched back to their Montana-era uniforms. That being said, they still can beat the RAMS, and I will pick them here, only because it is Christmas, and many of my friends and co-workers are Niners fans, and I don’t want to be the one to dash their playoff hopes and dreams.
Seriously, what a struggle we will have in South Florida where the DOLPHINS (one win at home this season) will host the LIONS (one win on the road this season.) Which team will want this game less? Which team will actually suit up a competent quarterback? I don’t know, so I am picking the Dolphins, only because it makes sense to pick the home team, right?
The REDSKINS’ owner Daniel Snyder has made one bad personnel hire after another as long as he has owned the team. How the hell did this guy ever make money? If head coach Mike Shanahan doesn’t win this game, I’m not certain who he will throw under the bus this time around. Will it be the overpaid strength and conditioning coach (a la the Jets), will it be the overpaid punter (a la the Giants), will it be the overpaid defensive tackle (oh wait, they already did that), or the overpaid quarterback (oh yeah, they did that one too.) On second thought, I suppose I have to pick them over the JAGUARS this game because not only have I not believed in the Jaguars all season, there is a chance the Jaguars will do as their fan base and over indulge over Christmas the day before and not show up for the game. Yeah, I said Christmas! And guess what, NPR? I’m not apologizing.
I told my co-worker Mike last week I was picking the RAIDERS over the COLTS for two reasons. First, he will be at the game, and any game he goes to, the team he roots for seems to win. Ask him yourself, he will verify it. Secondly, I’ve never seen a better special team unit in my entire football-watching unit. Kicker Sebastian Janikowski, punter Shane Lechler, and their punt blocking and coverage team are the best in the league. Remember the game against the Chargers where they blocked two punts in the endzone getting a safety and a touchdown? He was there, in the Black Hole in that end of the field. Fear the silver and black, Peyton. Don’t worry; you unofficially won the division already. Take the week off, just like last year. That worked out well, right?
In the Who Cares Bowl this week, the BRONCOS and TEXANS will battle it out. These two teams remind me of women seem to have every attribute one would love. One has a storied history (Denver), one has a great stadium (Houston). One has a flashy quarterback with numbers, the other has Kyle Orton and Tim “Even Jesus bought my jersey” Tebow, both who do nothing but win, except for this team. When you do more than scratch the surface, you realize a hot physique, flashy stats, and a good history gets you absolutely nothing in this league, even wins. You can hire the hot young coordinator nobody else was itching to hire (Josh McDaniels) or the one everyone wanted at the time (Gary Kubiak), but if you don’t properly vet them, you get precisely what you deserve, an underachiever who was a backup his entire career for a reason, or a young punk who doesn’t know the first thing about his job. Take the Broncos, only because they are at home for Christmas.
In a game which is a playoff game unto itself, the GIANTS will continue their 2010 choke job by going to Green Bay and lose to the healthy Aaron Rodgers and the PACKERS. Rodgers is back after being admirably replaced by Matt Flynn. Seriously, if Rodgers were playing against the Patriots last Sunday night, they win that game; the Bears aren’t division champions yet, which would set up a huge game Week 17. But Rodgers didn’t play, the Bears are champions, and the Packers have to live one more year with the knowledge they lost the division to a one-year wonder they are actually better than in the long run. The Giants, well…we all know what happened against the Eagles on Sunday, and if anyone thinks that Tom Coughlin was coaching to win that game, instead of coaching to show up the opponent who showed them up previously, you are mistaken. That game was over, and they gagged like they swallowed an Awful-Awful in one bite. They are done. Coughlin was halfway out the door in 2007 when they miraculously won the Super Bowl. They only thing that changed was an incredible Eli Manning scramble and a catch on the top of the helmet which couldn’t be duplicated by anybody, ever if their lives depended on it. That being said, they won’t fire Coughlin, until they choke away next year, unless Bill Cowher wants the job.
Why was the VIKINGS-EAGLES game chosen as the flex game for Sunday Night Football and not the previous game mentioned or the Jets-Bears game, both of which are 1000% better. Four words: “Michael,” “Vick,” “Brett” and “Favre.” Concussion or no, you know Mr. Sexting will show up for this game, only to be knocked out for the tenth or so time, only because “he’s a warrior, a competitor. When he’s out there, magic happens, and he never quits out there, he keeps on fighting. Interception, what interception?” I love that Cris Collinsworth has taken John Madden’s mantle of being the biggest Brett Favre homer in football while calling his games. I think it part of a grander plan by the former Bengals wide receiver to eventually come out with Collinsworth NFL 15 for Playstation 4. Vick is the best story, even while being the worst story, in the league, and has earned this shot, no matter what the naysayers say.
If it had been you, Mr. or Ms. Naysayer, who did something completely abhorrent and boneheaded, something you went to federal prison for, something which voided your huge multi-million dollar contract, destroyed your endorsement deals, made you into the biggest villain America has ever known save for King George, Osama bin Laden, W, Nixon, and Lindsay Lohan, went bankrupt, and then came back from it all to the only place which would hire you and you are making them look like geniuses for doing so because you are actually better at your job due to the hardships you inflicted upon yourself all the while saying the right things, walking the walk, talking the talk, keeping your nose relatively clean, expressing remorse, doing charity work to make amends, and bringing a franchise closer to a Super Bowl reality than the mentor who was jettisoned a year after you arrived ever could, wouldn’t you want this second chance? Wouldn’t you want people, not to forget, and not even forgive, but to at the very least let you live your life and do what you were born to do? (Okay, forgive the rant; I’m done on that subject.) Vick for MVP!!!!
Hank Williams, Jr. finally has it right, Monday night’s game between the SAINTS and SAINTS 2.0/FALCONS really is the game of the week. I don’t understand how precisely this game seems to be flying under the radar, but it is. Matt Ryan is great, he is the real deal. He is Drew Brees, but taller. He is Phillip Rivers without the irritating attitude. He is Peyton Manning without the commercials. He is Tom Bundchen without the publicity. He is Ben Roethlisberger without the rape allegations. He is Joe Montana without the rings. Hey Falcons fans, which would you rather have, right now? Michael Vick or Matt Ryan. Ryan is younger, Vick is more explosive. Vick has won big games, though not anything past the NFC Championship Game, Ryan has a great shot at it this year. I love Vick, obviously, but I’d still take Matty Ice. Expect a shootout; expect a last-minute drive from each team. Expect the Falcons to clinch home field advantage with a win. Expect a playoff rematch.
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